What is Toluu?
Toluu is a free service for sharing the feeds you read and discovering new ones.		 Get Invite

Steve Pavlina's Personal Development Blog

Personal Development for Smart People


San Francisco Trip Jan 23-26Today

Erin and I will be in San Francisco January 23-26, 2009. We’ll be staying in Emeryville and will be visiting various parts of the Bay Area. Our kids will be with their grandparents.

The last time we visited the Bay Area was about 3 years ago. I was amazed at how much had changed since I used to live there (1989-91).

Originally I preferred to go to Seattle, but we settled on San Francisco because we know more people there that we’d like to catch up with.

Cafe Gratitude

I’m especially looking forward to eating at Cafe Gratitude, a raw food restaurant with several locations in the area. They have a unique menu where everything you order is a positive affirmation.

I’m definitely ordering a slice of “I am Amazing.” I’ve been told that when you order, the waiter/waitress will repeat the affirmation back to you: “Yes, you are amazing!” Nice touch.

I saw a presentation by Cafe Gratitude’s owners at the Raw Spirit Festival. They seem to have a very progressive business model. A number of friends have eaten there, so naturally I’ve been overcome with jealousy. ;)

JealousyJanuary 7

This morning I said to Erin, “I don’t see how to become jealous. I mean… even if I wanted to try being jealous, how would I even do that?”

Then I suggested, “Let’s be jealous of each other for one day. We’ll try it out to see what it’s like. It could be fun!”

Erin laughed.

Neither of us had a clue as to how we’d actually pull this off.

I can’t recall a single instance of a jealous reaction from either of us throughout our entire relationship. It just never arises.

Consequently, Erin and I know from experience that it’s entirely possible to enjoy a loving relationship with zero jealousy… at least during the first 15 years together.

Can anyone teach us how to become jealous of each other? What are the steps? What do you have to think, say, or do in order to whip yourself into a jealous frenzy?

If Erin and I wanted to implement our one-day jealousy trial, how would we do that?

Temba, his arms wide.

(If you aren’t a Trekkie, just ignore that last line. Then go on about your sad existence.)

Perhaps if you can walk me through how you become jealous, it will raise your awareness of how you’re doing it to yourself.

How would this play out if one of us actually did become jealous? I guess our conversation would go something like this. Take note that we’ve never done this, so I’m just making this up as we go along.

Steve: Dammit, Erin. I’m jealous! You need to stop

StevePavlina.com Podcast #022 - Loving RelationshipsJanuary 5

StevePavlina.com Personal Development for Smart People podcast #22: Loving Relationships

This is a podcast about loving, intimate relationships that Erin and I recorded together this afternoon. We discuss the inner workings of our (almost 15-year) relationship in depth and share insights, advice, and stories regarding the following topics:

  • Meeting each other’s needs and desires (emotional, physical, spiritual, etc)
  • Creating and maintaining a deep connection
  • Common interests
  • Areas of compatibility and incompatibility
  • Monogamous relationships
  • What is cheating?
  • The ultimate goal of an intimate relationship
  • Polyamory
  • The 6 styles of open relationships
  • Jealousy
  • Compersion
  • Coming out publicly as a polyamorous person/couple
  • The big picture - why intimate relationships are so important for personal growth
  • Raising the consciousness of your relationship
  • The 3 qualities of strong, loving, intimate relationships
  • Commitment - what it means to commit
  • How to know whether you should break up or stay together

Our ultimate goal in creating this podcast is to help you enjoy more conscious, loving relationships in your own life.

Of course the “elephant in the room” that spawned this podcast is that Erin and I recently announced that we’r

PolyamoryJanuary 3

“Perhaps our greatest acts of violence are reserved not for those experiences that are most foreign to us but for the ones that are closest to the truth about ourselves.” - Jonathan Mooney

In this article I’ll candidly share my thoughts about polyamory, monogamy, marriage, and about intimate relationships in general.

Hurt

One issue that seems to be a hang-up for a lot of people is the possibility of getting hurt. Monogamous relationships can lead to plenty of hurt when they go bad, and it seems reasonable to assume that polyamory could multiply this hurt even more, if only because more hearts are involved.

One reason people fear getting hurt is that they’ve had some bad experiences in the past and haven’t fully recovered yet. Another problem is that people have an undue fear of hurting others because they’ve caused some pain in the past, and they’re still harboring a lot of guilt and regret.

What does it take to let go of that fear and pain and to summon the courage to take new risks in your relationships, in the hopes of experiencing ever greater levels of joy?

Basically, you just have to get back in the arena and do the best you can… without worrying so much about getting hurt. Over time your calibration will improve. You’ll get better at avoiding broken hearts, and you’ll learn to create joy more consistently. Unfortunately, you have to mov

Polyamorous Relationship Q&AJanuary 1

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post about leaving monogamy behind in order to pursue polyamory, here are answers to some questions I’ve been asked. The last question is answered by Erin.

What effect will polyamory have on your marriage with Erin?

Since I’ve never done anything like this before, it’s hard to say. Surely it will create some new challenges to be dealt with.

Is it possible that this will lead to a break-up of our marriage? That’s a risk that can’t be denied. Maybe Erin will find it hurtful to see me in other relationships. If the reality of that becomes too much for her, then getting divorced is always an option, and we can go our separate ways.

The current reality is that I don’t want a divorce; nor does Erin. So it seems that going the polyamorous route is the best choice. Worst case, our marriage is unable to handle it, and we end up divorced, but that would have been the likely result anyway if polyamory wasn’t an option.

I can accept a separation and divorce if it happens. That’s a path I’d prefer not to take, but I’m willing to do it if it truly seems like the right choice or if Erin decides that’s what she wants. At this point though, a divorce isn’t something either of us want, so why worry about it?

I think the most likely outcome is that this experience will bring Erin and me closer together. Tim